Pricey Patio Set Enjoyed by Local Wildlife, No One Else

A CraterRanch internal study confirmed that the big green patio set in our yard gets used more by area squirrels, birds, and stray cats than by the actual CraterRanch staff and guests. The local wildlife enjoys sitting on the wood table and benches, sometimes while enjoying a bite to eat under the shade of a big old oak tree, which is what CraterRanch editor-in-chief Keith Ferguson and wife/assistant editor Heidi Hanson envisioned for themselves when the set was purchased from the classifieds last summer. The study also found that the editor spent an approximate total of four hours using the benches as sawhorses for finishing the trim wood for the upstairs remodeling project. The most puzzling finding shows that the editors have spent more time moving the patio set than they actually spent sitting in it (study includes the two trips necessary to transport the pieces home on top of the MINI Cooper, moving it around the grounds for various reasons, and finally stacking it in the garage for winter.

Snow-Throwing Contraption Makes Editor Hero to Wife, Neighbors, Small Children.

After two winters of clearing snow from the CraterRanch grounds by hand, and watching the neighbors cheerfully eliminating same snow with back-saving machinery, editor-in-chief Keith Ferguson decided to treat himself with a used Craftsman snowblower. The purchase of the snow-flinging winter wonder weapon was justified by the side-by-side driveway abutting our next door neighbor, which requires shovels of snow to be carried several steps before being deposited onto ever-growing mounds of snow. Further justification for the two-hundred dollar expense was granted by the need to help said ailing, elderly neighbor with said driveway, and also by the extra long sidewalk in front of the house.

Although the snowblower worked fine when demonstrated at purchase, it required a few hours worth of research and tinkering before it would actually stay running. This tinkering led to a rather amusing incident which found the editor removing the fuel hose, plugging the fuel tank with his finger, and then realizing that the tool needed to complete the task was not within arms reach. After staying in that position for about one minute, the editor eventually got gasoline all over the machine, his clothing, and the whole damn place before getting things back together. Finally, however, the kink in the fuel line was removed and the contraption has functioned perfectly ever since.

The hilarity did not stop after the machine was repaired. Using the snowblower after the most recent snow, the editor's set of spare keys apparently fell from his pocket, eventually getting sucked into, ripped apart by, and spit out of the machine. At the time of this report, three keys have been located. Eight are still unaccounted for.

Wedding Thanks

Heidi and I would like to thank all of those who attended our wedding celebration back in May, and all of those who didn't come but were there in spirit. We were lucky to be able to share such a beautiful day and place with all of you, and we especially enjoyed having everyone over to our place for brunch the next day.

We put everyone's generous gifts to use on our honeymoon to Thailand (pictures to be posted soon). You will also be happy to know that marriage hasn't ruined our relationship, although the abundance of leftover wine and beer probably helped smooth the transition.

We would also like to thank everyone for sharing their pictures. We have more than we ever would have guessed, and they are so much better than anything we would have gotten from a professional, mostly because they came from all of you. Unfortunately the website we where using to share the pictures shut down, but you can click the picture to the right to see a larger version of the group shot.

IT'S WAR!

This Spring the defense department and grounds keepers of Crater Ranch declared war against the cute but deviously destructive North American gray squirrels inhabiting the grounds of the Crater Ranch main campus. Even though a tense, fragile peace remained in place for the past year, the squirrels' recent hostile actions have prompted Congress to authorize military action against the mischievous, furry critters. Sabre-rattling began months ago when the squirrels started breaking and entering the house's gutters and illegally stockpiling leaves, twigs, and yard debris therein. The final straw occurred last week, however, when heavy rain revealed that the debris had clogged the gutter spout to the point that it no longer functioned. Personnel were dispatched immediately to the local hardware store to obtain sheet metal screws, metal grates, and rope, which was necessary to fix the pulley system of the antique extension ladder discovered behind the garage.

Upon scaling the house, the editor cleared the blockage and observed several gaps and holes in the gutter covers. Although the covers were sufficient to keep out naturally-occuring falling leaves, they were not secure enough to prevent the acorn-crunching yard rats from depositing load after mouth-filling load of decomposing yard waste. Heavy-duty metal grating was installed over the compromised sections of gutter in order to thwart future squirrel incursions.

The motivations behind the squirrel attacks have so far eluded Crater Ranch intelligence director Keith Ferguson, who had this to say from his post atop of the ladder, "I don't know what those little devils are up to, but they picked the wrong guy to mess with." While removing yet another handful of disgusting muck from the gutters, he added, "I'm pretty sure they're communists, too."

Mysterious Stranger Fights Crime, Feels a Draft

A recent Friday night on our street started like any other. Dedham resident Heidi Hanson finished a busy week by going to bed early, with the cat at her feet and her fiancé in the kitchen, rummaging for a late-night snack. But unbeknownst to the peaceful Dedham dwellers, trouble was afoot. At approximately 11:00 PM, a strange noise from the street woke Ms. Hanson from her sleep. When she opened her front door, what she saw defied description. Some youths had gathered outside a white SUV in front of her home and appeared to be tampering with the flower bed there. But the most unusual occurrence was yet to...occur. A strange figure, dressed only in a pair of boxers, leapt out towards the hooligans and proclaimed, "Hey! What are you doing?!" Afraid for their lives, or perhaps just startled by the nearly naked man, the obviously imbecilic buffoons pealed out down the street, while the dimmest of the bunch, not yet back in the car, ran after them, crying like a little pansy boy. But before Ms. Hanson could thank the totally handsome stranger, he was gone!

Forensic investigation determined that before the youths soiled themselves with fear, they were merely trying to open their beer bottles on Ms. Hanson's stone curb, but she agreed that they still got what they deserved. At the time of this printing, the identity of the mysterious super hero remains unknown, but one thing is certain: Wherever evil lurks, and clothing is optional, Boxer Man will be there!